Thermostat In Hell Seems To Be OK After All
Normalcy Returned After Mild Dip Towards Freezing Point

10/17/03 - Weather in the Netherworld climbed back over the 4000 Celsius mark, ending weeks of wild cold spells that routinely saw the mercury dipping into the low 500s.

Cold fronts that had intensified over the past weekend had finally been quelled by two separate Category 5 firestorms that raged Tuesday night and early Friday morning, bringing torrential pockets of hell-on-Earth to cities as far away as Chicago and Boston.

Satan reportedly dispatched his minions in the form of liquid intoxicants to numerous pubs in both cities. Happy people could not be reached for comment without getting punched.

Obviously-named meteorologist Beale Zeebub from FOX's affiliate in Hell says he has scientific proof that the chill brought to Hell started from these same aforementioned cities.

"Boston became a town so determined to reverse its' curse that it started emulating its' intellectual antithesis, Texas, by wearing their stupid fucking cowboy hats," said Zeebub. "And Chicago, well, the depiction of the ritualistic killing of a goat just wasn't well received down here."

But as reported by Hell's newspaper, this much-theorized connection between the temperature in hell and the "quasi-intelligent, leisure-loving meatcreatures that roam the surface" was quickly shot down by the National Republican Weather Service.

"There is no connection," said Bush from the White House Friday. Bush later called his brother Jeb, expecting victory for Florida.

In an ultra-related story, Bill Buckner new neighbor won an instant "Lifetime Achievement in an Awful Reality Show" trophy at the prestigious "That Guy" awards held earlier this week at Wrigley. His actions have been blamed on Clinton.